Euthanasia

😭

After my brief Wellbutrin episode something did seem to shift for me. I suddenly stopped crying every day. My anticipatory grief about my very senior dog Rita seemed to have subsided. I thought perhaps I had finally reached a place of acceptance about the inevitable.

I guess not. She had a tough day yesterday. I had left her with my grandma for the evening on Tuesday to go celebrate Solange’s birthday,¹ but upon picking Rita up the next day she was having an impossible time walking.

These days Rita will fall over a lot, but normally when I pick her up she’ll get back to it. Even though it’s becoming more and more of a struggle, she has generally been able to pee when she needs to.

This time, I’d pick her up and she’d immediately fall back down. When I picked her up she was totally floppy, like a rag doll.

My grandma mentioned euthanasia. I had just called a home euthanasia service the day before to learn that appointments are generally made 1 to 2 days in advance and cost $700 for a 20lb dog. If I wanted her ashes returned to me it would be an additional $210.

I joked with my friend Jen at karaoke that Rita was going to have to die on her own accord because we couldn’t afford to put her down.

I had thought maybe Rita would go sometime in the summer. Now we were talking about saying goodbye next week.

My stepdad² texted me to reassure me that euthanasia was a courageous and compassionate decision to make for Rita.

I completely appreciate the sentiment, but I went to bed with such an intense feeling of dread that my whole body was vibrating with anxiety, like I had been poisoned. I didn’t fall asleep until 3am.

Once finally asleep, I had a dream that I was in a “creaky” haunted house, and every time something in the house creaked, a visceral full body shiver would go down my spine. I was like, “I literally can’t be here anymore” and then I woke up.

So, I guess I am not done anticipatory grieving after all. I cried a lot yesterday and today.

Rita seems better today. She ate chicken last night, peed on her own accord this morning, and seems to be ambling around alright.

I genuinely do not know how one is supposed to make this kind of decision. I understand how, in theory, it is meant to prevent further suffering for her. It has also become increasingly hard to leave the house for any amount of time. I will have a new kind of “freedom” when Rita is no longer with me, to come and go as I please without consequence for her and my grandma, but the price of that freedom seems to be losing the love of my life.

This kind of responsibility feels like such a lose-lose situation.

So far no date has been set for the inevitable. The plan continues to be to take it day by day. It’s all just sneaking up on me faster than I anticipated.

Meanwhile, rumors about Iran bombing California abound, which makes no sense to me, because it’s not like the United States as a whole even cares about our state.

I’m just generally plagued³ by the injustice of living in a society. It seems ridiculous to me that funding a $2 million indie movie feels like a Herculean impossible feat while meanwhile our government is spending infinitely more to destroy innocent human lives.

And I mean, those are just my privileged concerns. On a deeper level, I am worried about my future ability to just survive and get my basic needs met. I am in a comfortable situation now with my family’s support, but that won’t last forever.

ANYWAY, lol! Other than that I’m doing great.

It’s also not all doom and gloom. I mean, The Devil Wears Prada 2 is coming out soon. That’s something.

It’s the little things

1. which was a blast!

2. who raised me and is my dad

3. as are, I’m sure, we all